And so it comes to this...

At midnight tonight there is just one day left in the year. At bikejournal.com, where cyclists go to log their rides in the spirit of friendly competition the clock is ticking down. There's been a noticeable surge in the last few days as people ride that little bit extra to improve their year. I was touching the top 1,200 mark, but two days of the bike to got to a family wedding in Sydney has dropped me down a remarklable 80 places which I won't regain.

For mine, 2007 hasn't been my best year. I'm on 5,954km, which means I'm a certainty to try to crank out 45km tomorrow to cross the 6,000km barrier. I had been aiming for 10,000km, then 7,200km. As the year drew on and it became apparent I wasn't going to come close to either of those I decided to settle for 6,400km - which was my total last year. I'm not even going to make that. Never mind, every kilometre was fun, as I now recall, even the ones on icy roads in the winter rain.

A couple of other riders have had a stellar year though. I tend to disregard the blokes who claim more than 30,000km a year as overachievers and braggarts. But Husky65 has done 6,485km to date which puts him dead on for 6,500km and a newcomer called 3hills has pedalled his heart out for 6,735km. Emphatic!

I'll spend tomorrow thinking about goals for 2008. It's going to be a cracker! Watch out husky65 and 3hills.

5,954km so far this year.

Slow, fat Alleycat!

Hobart's first Alley Cat race was held on the weekend, starting out from Salamanca Place for a mad dash from pub to pub in Hobart's inner city. There was around a dozen riders, which is pretty good for a first event. Most rode fixies, although there was also mountain bikes and tourers and even someone sporting a top-tube baby seat. The route was a slowly unfolding secret - the first checkpoint revealed at the start, the second was revealed after drinking a beer at the first and so on. A most enjoyable day, even counting walking into a pub in West Hobart wearing a nightie over my cycling gear (race requirement between checkpoints three and four, I promise.)

I'm not that competitive and my backstreet knowledge of Hobart isn't that sharp so I've got a way to go as an Alleycat racer, but I learned some valuable lessons. You realise how hilly Hobart's is when you're a large man on a fixed gear. Racing on a full stomach also isn't the smartest thing to do. And it's not smart to wait at the last checkpoint for your mate who you think is behind you, because he might have found a shortcut along the way and you will certainly end up getting the ironic slow hand clap and cheers reserved for those who come DFL.

5,761km so far this year.

Still pedalling.

"It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them. Thus you remember them as they actually are, while in a motor car only a high hill impresses you, and you have no such accurate remembrance of country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle."

Ernest Hemingway.

5,558km so far this year.

More room please.

I've had a few close calls lately and have been thinking about what to do. I originally thought ot a rearward-facing video camera and a laser rangefinder to get an image and a distance readout on the fuckers so I can go to the cops. But an e-mail exchange wit the wonderful Dr Ian Walker of the bike helmet study fame, I've decided it's going to be far too much trouble.

My next thought was a metre-plus long length of scratchy aluminium on a spring, to keep people at bay, but I find the idea's been considered and soundly rejected.

Then then I find the photo to the left. If that's not exactly me message I'm wanting to send, I don't know what is. It might not be that practical for moving through traffic, but you can't have everything.

Thanks to Treadly for the link.

5,558km so far this year.

The great chain of being

I don't often rave on about things I like for a couple of reason: firstly I'm like to piss and moan and secondly there's not that much out there that really impresses me. But today, and maybe tomorrow will be an exception before I return to my normal surly self.

I had to buy a chain a couple of weeks ago, because my satanic front derailleur fed my chain into the gap between the right crank and the chainrings, bending it at the same time.

I wandered into one of Hobart's friendly bike shops to buy a replacement so I could get home. For $85, the Wipperman 10 speed chain is a bit pricey, but it has a cracking little connecting link which means you can take the chain off without any tools. Which is pretty handy when you think about it. I was able to clean my chain today with ease, slipped it off, soaked it in kero, relubed and put back on in about five minutes. Happy is me. I love Wipperman chains.

Coming up next: the best bicycle computer ever made.

5,460km so far this year.

Somehow it seems so right.

I have no troubles with the one at the back

We all know the rear dérailleur was invented by Tullio Campagnolo* and what a fine piece of work Tullio hath rendered. It's a little known face that the front dérailleur was invented by Adolf Hitler, working on the express orders of Satan. The project was commissioned by Telstra. That's how evil front dérailleurs are.

Now front dérailleurs are a great thing - when they're working properly you can forget them. But I've never had much luck with the buggers. Mine's been out of adjustment lately, throwing the chain off the top chainring almost every time I shift up. It's scarred my lovely new Stronglight cranks and keeps jamming the chain between the crank arm and the chain rings. If I adjust the limit screw to prevent this, the gear won't shift up at all. I decided to try to fix it for once and for all today. I removed the cable, loosened the fastening bolts, realigned the beast, reconnected, adjusted and tested. No joy. Process repeated. No joy. References consulted. Process repeated. And it seemed to work. It was 45 minutes well spent.

After voting this morning, I set on a ride and the front dérailleur suddenly was behaving. Upshifts were suddenly a joy, and praise be to the front dérailleur. All was going swimmingly until 10km from the end of a 50km ride off came the chain. Easy enough to fix, but somehow impossible to repeat over the remainder of the ride. Who knows what's going on here. Maybe it's possessed.

And a big hi to the truck driver who passed too close yesterday in Sandy Bay yesterday before turning left in front of me. Two goes and you still missed, you mullet-headed loser.

* this may not be true.

5,337km so far this year

Letter to the editor

Loved this in the Sydney Morning Herald today:

Build a bridge, bike-baiters.

As a working city bicycle courier, I am occasionally criticised for such misdemeanours as flowing through traffic and taking a full lane in unsafe sections. Those who choose to preach from their big-wheeled, chrome-plated, plastic chariots should note one thing: if you don't wind down the window of your air-conditioned, carbon-farting bubble, the chances are I won't be able to hear you. If I do happen to hear you, the chances are greater that I have heard it all before. Go and see Morris Iemma's men on Macquarie Street - they know people who will build you a bridge to get over it.

Steve Partridge
Marrickville

5,180km so far this year.

Open Letter to the organisers of the Great Ocean Road Ride

(This issue has topical on the Audax-Oz e-mail list. Several people have written letters of complaint about the image on the left, which was used to promote a recreational cycling event. I don't think they go far enough. Here's mine.)

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to complain in the strongest possible terms about the image shown on your website being used to promote the recent Great Ocean Road tour.

Some of the riders in the photograph are riding on the wrong side of the road. Do you have any idea what a bad name this gives cyclists? What example it sets? Never mind that the photo is clearly taken during a race. I am insane with rage, shaking and drooling on my keyboard like a angry shaky drooly person.

I note the cyclists are not riding two abreast - in clear breach of the law. Do you have any idea what a bad name this gives cyclists? What sort of message is this sending to young children?

These riders are conducting a race on a public road. They are following each other too closely. They are blocking the road for traffic. None of the bicycles have bells. Or reflectors. There is no indication that their helmets comply with the relevant Australian standard. None of the riders are smiling. Do you have any idea what a bad name this gives cyclists? WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN? AND ALSO THE ELDERLY? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL?

I demand you remove this image, delete any like it from your computers, soundly thrash the photographer, fine the cyclists involved and ban them from riding ever again. If you must depict cyclists then for heaven's sake show them obeying the law as they do in real life. Make sure they are wearing bright reflective clothing and that all races, religions and genders are represented equally. Be sure to include some differently-abled and animal athletes, vegetarians, paroled prisoners and recumbent riders.

This is the greatest outrage I have ever witnessed anywhere ever including the genocide in Cambodia, the invasion of Iraq and the theft of my sense of perspective. Do you have any idea what a bad name this gives cyclists? I call jihad on you. The blood of all cyclists everywhere is on your hands - even those that haven't died yet. A pox on you all. I hope you all get cancer.

With fond regards,

Surly Dave.

5,158km so far this year.

A bike for Mrs Surly

On one of the lists I subscribe to the other day someone was asking whether they should buy a steel or a carbon frame to replace a frame they'd damaged in a crash. I'm not dogmatic on the subject, but a something occurred to me while pottering in the shed over the course of the weekend.

I've been doing up a bike for Mrs Surly Dave, who says I never go riding with her. Currently her only bike is a fat-tyred 26' tourer, which is a lovely bike for long slow days with a load, but not so good for short speedy trips for fun and fitness' sake.

Now we're not exactly flush with cash at present. A new bike was out of the question and despite the fact that there seems to be a lot of good deals available around the place I thought we could do something better without spending too much money. Mrs S had an old steel road frame she'd hung onto from the days when she did triathlons. Although she'd ridden it from time to time, it was in need to a spruce up. I spend $80 having it powder-coated, and another $100 on a new front derailleur and swapped over some of the parts from my bike which I didn't need any more and viola - as good as new.

My point I guess, is that as lights and expensive and wonderful as carbon fibre and other exotic materials are, I can't see a carbon frame lasting 20 years, let alone surviving two decades being shifted from shed to shed and generally ignored. Steel frames on the other hand, aren't bothered by this sort of treatment and come up as good as gold after a lick of paint and a bit of TLC.

We'll probably go for a ride next weekend and see if the old bike rides as good as it looks.

4,954km so far this year.

Once around the Channel

Southern Tasmania turned on every imaginable type of weather except snow for the Bicycle Tasmania 100km ride around the D'Entrecasteaux Channel region today. We had rain, bright sunshine, howling wind. There were hills that never ended and a couple of motorists with homicidal intent. All the same it was a most enjoyable ride passing through some lovely countryside.

As a bonus, when I got home I stepped on the scales and I'm 100.1kg, which means my weight is heading in the right direction too.

4,833km so far this year.

An open and shut case

Having made a couple of trips to the mainland with the bike now I'm getting a feel for what works and what doesn't when it comes to packing a bike for air travel. I've been using a tough Ground Effect Tardis bag for the trips which necessitates a air bit of disassembly and reassembly at the other end.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that taking care when packing really pays off. I wrap the frame tubes with pipe insulation and put pieces of cardboard between the wheels and the frame. Packing spare clothing in and around the components seems to help also. Despite the 'fragile' sticker on the outside, I suspect that the baggage handlers aren't too kind - in four flights I've racked up a broken bottle cage, a broken spoke, a damaged cable guide and some scratches on the paintwork. A hard case would probably do a better job, but the cost, size and bulk has turned me off the idea so far.

Enter the Surly Travellers Check. It's the same frame I'm riding now, but with two couplers to split the frame in two so the whole bike fits in an oversized suitcase. It's a great idea for the frequent traveller. It's out next year, so I might give it some serious thought, depending on the cost.

4.663km so far this year.

A ride in two halves

I rode the Mallee Routes last year on the Long Haul Trucker. I've done a few miles since then and upgraded the bike so I was really looking forward to this year's edition despite the fun associated with a putting the bike on a plane. Lancefield Lairs Andy and Glo and Steve came too, so it was always destined to be a good weekend. Even the drive up was a laugh riot. We considered the 300km ride, but settled for the 200km. It turned out to be a good choice. Though the weather was fine and warm, there was a stiff wind blowing.

We set off at the entirely unreasonable hour of 6am, zooming down the flat straight road to Warracknabeal then onwards to Birchip. Pushed by favourable winds, we averaged a brisk 25km/h+ as we knocked off the first 120km in well under six hours and stopped for a leisurely lunch. Cruising.

Then came payback time. The grind towards Sea Lake was not directly into the wind, but it still knocked the average speed way down and at times we were pushing to make 15km/h. And then we turned directly into the westerly. We spun into Woomelang for a break in the pub where three people were watching the ALF Grand Final. Tiring as we pushed small gears into the wind, we rolled-over the wheat-topped sand dunes to arrive back into Hopetoun for dinner and a few beers by 6.00pm, well within our 12 hour goal. The second 80km had taken more than five hours.

Another highly enjoyable ride, once again as much for the delightful company and the conversation as for the delightful small towns along the way and the Mallee scenery.

(Photo by Steve.)

4,663km so far this year.

A leap in the dark

It was pissing down rain this morning but out of solidarity for those who suffered so much during the Paris-Brest-Paris I decided to ride anyway. That and the fact that VictimOfNoel is 367km ahead of me and Sneaky Steve is snapping at my heels in the yearly mileage totals.

I enjoy the 2.3km 120m climb up Bonnett Hill, it's a hard start to the morning but I need the hill training. My biggest fear has always been that on the return journey my lights would somehow fail. Today's been a good day for addressing fears.

Since I broke a spoke in my back wheel on the weekend I've been running my old six-speed wheels with singles. Because I don't want to carry spare singles and spare tubes, I've abandoned the generator hub and have been using an old Nightstick halogen lamp. On the ascent tonight, just as I left the street lamps of suburbia and entered the deep dark bush section of the ride the bugger started to fade, so I switched it off and climbed under the starlight.

It didn't do any good - by the time I got to the top the fucker was dead flat. There's nothing like descending a steep and hairy 2km descent in total darkness, with only the starlight reflecting off the double yellow lines to guide you. And not much starlight at that. It was a case of picking a speed I was happy to crash at. Somehow I made it down safe, but it's not an experience I want to repeat. Perhaps I was premature dissing the Ayup lights...

4,276km so far this year.

Children can be so unkind

I had to drive into town this morning, so instead of riding in along the Derwent, I rode for an hour up the grandly-titled Inter City Cycle Path. Along the way it passes New Town High School and you have to be wary of kids darting across the track without looking. This morning was no exception: a big group walked out in front of me, so I slowed and waited for them to cross.

One lad turned, and startled because he hadn't realised I was closing in on them looked at me and exclaimed: "Fuck me dead - it's Santa Claus in tights".

A very unfair description if ever there was one, but all the same I think I'm going to have to lose the beard.

4,133km so far this year.

A spring in our steps

Spring into Seymour is one of the most enjoyable rides on the Victorian audax calendar. It's a flat fast ride between the picturesque country towns of central Victoria. I rode the 200km version in a bit over eight hours last year and loved it. So I was determined to return, despite the move further south. So I put the bike in a bag and jumped on a plane.

The weather on Friday was appalling, but Saturday dawned crisp, still and clear, as per the forecast. Lancefield Lairs and Oppy teammates Steve and Andy and Ken were also signed up for the 160km/100 mile ride.

We set off at a fair clip and maintained it all day. The tyres were humming as we zoomed along. There was a fair bit of chatter and laughing of the usual topics: riding techniques, frame materials, gear choices, politics, the weather and absent friends. We rolled along the quiet country roads in a small bunch with a trio other riders who left us when we stopped for a short break at Nagambie. Onward we pedalled, enjoying the conditions, the company and the odd walk across old wooden bridges with deadly gaping gaps between the planks. The day was fine and we were having a great time.

We saw the trio again at Murchison, and then briefly at the delightful Lockley Pub, which they left about ten minutes before we did.

It's funny how the competitive urge flares. We had pretty much made up the time deficit at the secret control about 20km out, which they left in a hurry about two minutes ahead of us. We were rolling along nicely after that, but it was pretty clear Steve wanted to chase down the group ahead. Every time the pace eased he'd roll through on the right, eyes focussed down the road. Eventually we could see them in the distance. And reel them in Steve did: rolling up the road in a big gear and closing the gap about 10km from the finish. We stuck together after that, although there was a pretty funny touring bike sprint for the imaginary finish line.

Any day spent on a bike is a good one, but there are some rides that you remember fondly for years. The Oppy will be one of them, and so too I suspect will be the 2007 Spring into Seymour. What fun we had. And we completed the 160-odd kilometres with a riding time of 6 hours and 39 minutes. How we rock.

4,092km so far this year.

Not all sweetness and lights.

With a big ride coming up I gave some thought to some new lights. Though I like my generator hub, something small and light and frictionless. A friend of mine VictimOfNoel (not his real name) has a set of the neat LED units from ayup which I quite liked. They come with a six hour battery and mounts etc which I thought would have been ideal for Audax rides. So I ordered some. Or at least tried to. Dearie gracious me.

First I had to endure their truly appalling website with it's shitty flash animation and bizzare design, which is not much fun over a dialup connection, trust me. Once I managed to find what I wanted it was impossible to find the exact price, because GST and shipping were added later in the process. Once I had ordered, I noticed the default shipping address in paypal was wrong, so I e-mailled them to ask if they could correct my error.

After a week of waiting for either a response to my e-mail or for my lights, I e-mailled ayup again this morning asking them to either confirm shipment of my lights, or to refund my money. Within 30 seconds my money was refunded. Shit! Even Tel$tra tries harder than that to hang onto customers. My refund was accompanied by a note referring me to a mass mailling they sent out during the week pointing out they were out of stock of some of the merchandise they were still selling on their website. No attempt to provide me with something different, no offer to ship something same day. Nothing.

I hate bad service. Even through their product is a decent one, they deserve to fail. I'll never deal with this company again and I recommend you don't either. During the week, I noticed this on a blog. Ayup manages to observe about four of these simple rules of how to shed customers:

1. Refuse to help when the customer is not happy with the product or service.

2. Ignore customers when they are standing there and it's obvious they need some attention. Better still, make sure you keep talking to your friend on the next register.

3. Push customers into buying stuff they don't need.

4. Lie.

5. Be rude and talk down to them. Do your best to make them feel like idiots.

6. Make sure you never have important items on your shelves.

7. Have only one or two people serving at peak times.

8. Display one price on the item, then charge a higher one.

9. Make sure your staff doesn't know how to do a simple transaction, like a lay-by.

10. Don't return phone calls or emails.

3,899km so far this year.

Bon chance, bon route

Around 10 hours from now, at 0500 AEST, the riders in the Paris-Brest-Paris set off on their 1,200km epic across France. I was hoping to be among them, but alas was not made of the same stern stuff - this time anyhow.

It's been my pleasure over the last 12 months or so to ride with some of the people going through their final nervous checks in Paris; to exchange messages of support over the web, or just to be inspired by them.

To all of you, but particularly Tim, Barry, Simon, Stephen, Peter, Mike and Amy: I'll be following your progress with best wishes from afar. To all of you, good luck. May the cycling gods smile.

3,768km so far this year.

Cycling for the morbidly obese

I've started commuting again which has made me very happy, although my commute in Hobart includes a lot of traffic and indifferent roads. Still, it is mainly downhill on the way in, so I always arrive at work with a smile and enjoy the workout on the way home. Zooming through Taroona yesterday with the Derwent shimmering in the winter sun was just delightful.

I need the exercise because according to the body mass index I am morbidly obese. 103kg and 175cm means I'm a 35, well into the red zone. There's two reasons for this: firstly the body mass index is a crock of shit (a lesson for another day) and secondly, I am truthfully a little bit overweight. Or underheight. If I was just 25cm taller I wouldn't have to lose 20kg. Time for some stretches. Or high heels.

Interestingly, being such a porker might just mean I can't use Campagnolo products. Poor fat me. But then it's hard to know for sure. I stumbled across this on the web. If this is a question they get a lot, then possibly some of the people who use Campagnolo gear aren't too bright:

Q: Last year I weighed 80 kg and now I weigh 83 kg. Can I still use Campagnolo products, or am I too heavy?

Really dude? You're asking permission?

A: "There is no clear dividing line defining when someone is "too heavy" for Campagnolo products."

Well thank Christ for that. I've got 20-year-old Campag gear on my road bike and I don't want the cops pulling me over. Maybe they should think of bringing in a defining line - say 85kg. You don't want fatties spoiling the brand image.

But there's bad news too:

If you weigh 80kg or more, you must be especially vigilant and have your bicycle inspected regularly for any evidence of cracks, deformation, or other signs of fatigue or stress.

Now I've weighed 80kg or more for 20 years and ridden bikes all that time. I really thrash them too - jumping off gutters and bunny-hopping on narrow road tyres, riding on terrible roads. Never a crack or deformation has been seen. Who does this work anyway? Should I be off to the heavy vehicle inspection office? I mean really - these guys are component makers. What's going to fail? The derailleurs? Are the brakes not strong enough to fight the forces caused by speed times bulk? Are the levers going to fall apart in my pudgy hands? At least I've avoided making the mistake of buying Campagnolo products recently. Clearly they're not making them like they used to.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to buy a reinforced seatpost.

Photo top left is of my bike in the workstand in my shed as the sun sets over the distant Snowy Ranges. Yeah, life here is tough.

3,591km so far this year.

Viva Le Tour

We sat up until 2am this morning cheering as Cadel Evans tried hard but fell just short in the final time trial of the Tour de France. A shame, but I think with his effort Contador showed himself to be a worthy champion. It must be tough for Cadel being 23 seconds down with one day to go, knowing it's unlikely he's going to be able to make it up. Still, 2nd in the Tour de France isn't bad - the best result ever for an Australian.

Of course there are some true champions in France at the moment getting ready for a real test of a rider's character. Bring on the PBP!

Inspired by both I finally got my Round the Bay in a Day entry in. I've entered to 250km Legends Ride. As usual, I'm too late to get the 'free' jersey, which really gives me the shits. The entry fee is $125. The event is not until October 21, you'd think they could make the jerseys available for a little longer. Either that or drop the price for people who aren't getting a jersey. It's not as if you get much for the money except the the right to ride on public roads, a woeful cut lunch and a ferry trip across the heads. If it wasn't for the fact I had a few mates riding and I want to enjoy a day out with them, I wouldn't bother. Yet another reason I don't join Bicycle Victoria.

My first post in 20 days, sadly it reflects the amount of riding I've been doing. The excuses end when the alarm goes of at 7am tomorrow. I've found the showers at work, organised a locker and the bike is ready to go.

3,544km so far this year.